Ghost Girl Part 1

So this blogging didn't really take off for me. Too many other things happening. The ever present depression with Lockdown Depression thrown on top of it hasn't exactly helped either. I feel like a ghost. Empty. Not quite present. And I don't want to BE. I don't want to be seen. Don't want to be here. I want to be invisible. Not talk to anyone beyond whatever is necessary to do my job, or go to the pharmacy, or get a repeat prescription from my GP. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live. This is nothing new; I've felt that since I was a child, like I don't belong, like this isn't real, the lack of understanding what I'm doing here, why I'm here.

I see one of my neighbours most weekdays for a lunchtime walk. Her friend is currently in a vicious custody battle, so she's filling me in about that as we march along the streets to get our daily exercise. This is perfect level of engagement with life for me. I just have to listen, agree and ask some questions and comment once in a while. I don't want to deal with 'real' stuff.

The worst is that I'm stuck with writing. When life changed in 2019, when I wasn't eating at all, fainting in the shower, continued to run despite double vision by holding on to the sides of the treadmill, when I could see myself vanish before my own eyes and all I wanted was to continue until I disappeared, what saved me was writing. Being what I am, a writer. If I'm not a writer than I am nothing. A Ghost Girl. I know I should just get my ass in the seat and start somewhere, but I'm too far down the abyss to get myself there. And the more time away, the further down the spiral I go. I've already wasted 4 months. I had thought I would be sending the novel out to agents around this time, but the report from the editor made it very clear that I was nowhere near that. There again, if I'd actually had just sat down, I would probably be there now. I'm such a loser!

And now the eating disorder is making itself known. I don't want to eat because I hate myself but I can at least be skinny and control that, but because I think I'm so worthless the other side of the eating disorder is saying I might as well just eat everything and get really fat because I'm so disgusting and pointless anyway. Which will win?  

 Why blog about it?

Being diagnosed with Non-Purging Bulimia in February came as a shock. Not because I didn't know I had an eating disorder, and had had one since my teenage year, but Bulimia. That's like a real thing. It's an illness. Not just a little overeating or starvation and over-exercising. Of course, I realise that eating so little, running mile upon mile and fainting in the shower isn't exactly normal behaviour. And then thinking that this is a TRIUMP even less so. But still, bulimia? 

At the same time, it was a relief to finally get a diagnosis. It was something tangibly wrong with me and I could do something about it. There was something, someone, to fight. And I was no longer on my own: I had a team of doctors and psychologists around me who wanted to help me get better. But the first thing I did was to spend 4 days binging every night and throwing up (in a hotel in Berlin where I was at a conference) and then not eating for 5 days and spending my time sitting on the sofa. Then I returned to my compensatory behaviour, where most food is 'forbidden' and I am only allowed to eat certain things - basically eggs, salad and tomatoes. 

I will write more about those things later, but why I have decided to blog about this? 

I had my first Bulimia Recovery Group session yesterday. It was incredibly stressful. I was in fact hoping that it would be delayed due to Covid. And then I contemplated not going. Bulimia is my friend - do I really want to kill it? But I went. And then spent the evening binge eating (so I can't eat at all today). And today I'm exhausted and my head is spinning. Which is why I have decided to blog about this. I am after all a writer (!). I want to do it to spew out all the stuff in my head, and, hopefully also help someone else who is going through this with or without diagnosis. But I also think it might be helpful for people who either know people with an eating disorder or know nothing about eating disorders to understand what it is, how it works, the effects and what it's like to living with it.

Maybe it won't be any of these things, but I'm here should you wish to follow my journey.